How Much I Don't Know

My mind is definitely getting quieter. It's great to finally see some progress. I think I understand why enlightenment isn't always instantaneous -- sometimes, there's more work to do first. Sometimes there are still a few clouds obscuring the light of Self.




I've been looking for a way to define myself for as long as I can remember by trying to figure out what I want to "be" when I grow up. This always took the form of trying to decide what I wanted a degree in. I started on many different paths, from psychology to graphic arts to metaphysics to religion to pharmacology. Because I was trying to find out what I was (rather than trying to become whatever I was studying), none of these felt right. I was searching for whatever it was that I believed I was here to do, like my destiny or my personal True Path. Of course, since I was searching outside myself, I didn't find it.

Just recently, the need for this stopped. Literally, it just went away. I realized that what I am is pure awareness, and all of these things that you can earn a degree in are merely things that I can do, not things that I can be. Since most of my time had been spent hunting for this elusive identity (through research, taking classes, and reading), I discovered I could easily do any of them. The difference now is that I don't feel like I have to work toward becoming who I really am -- I'm already there!

It looks rather silly now to see this written down. I could easily have spouted all this out before, but it wouldn't have meant anything to me because I had not experienced the truth of this yet. I'm learning there is an incredible difference between intellectual understanding and experiential knowledge. It's very humbling to see how many things I think I understand merely because I've read about them!